We had lunch with a couple of friends yesterday and they told this tale of governmental insanity. And, really, you just can’t make this kind of stuff up.

Back in early 2003, they were the proud new owners of a small vacant lot in Kaaawa and decided to move an older home onto the property and renovate it.

So it was off to the city Department of Planning and Permitting for a building permit.

The clerk looked up the property in the city’s computer system.

“Oh, we can’t issue a permit.”

“Why not?” our friend asks. “It’s zoned for a single family home.”

“But there’s already a house, and you can only have one,” the clerk replied.

“No,” our friend says. “It’s a vacant lot. We just bought it, and there’s no house. There’s no sign of a house being there.”

The clerk: “Well, it shows here that there’s a house, and someone has been paying property taxes on the house for years, so we know there’s a house. You’ll have to demolish it before you can get a building permit.”

Our friend: “So we have to demolish the house that doesn’t exist?”

Simple answer. “Yes”.

So he asks for information on a permit to demolish the house that isn’t there. Turns out it’s not a straight-forward thing.

The clerk: “To get a building permit to demolish the house, you first have to get a permit from the Department of Health.”

So it was off to the Department of Health, where our friends were told that in order to demolish the house that didn’t exist, the law required that they hire an exterminator to prevent rats living in the building from escaping to neighboring homes during the demolition.

“But there isn’t any building, and there really isn’t going to be any demolition,” our friends pleaded.

Apparently it didn’t matter. They needed the DOH permit in order to then get the go-ahead from the city. DOH required our friends to pay a permit fee AND hire a licensed exterminator to control rodents expected to flee from the house that didn’t exist as it was (or wasn’t) being torn down.

Okay. It was getting crazier and our friends were getting frantic. So the proceeded, reluctantly and under protest, paid an exterminator to essentially do nothing. That allowed the Health Department to issue their demolition permit.

Then it was back to the city to show proof of the DOH permit and get the permit to demolish the house that wasn’t.

Finally, with their permits in hand, our friends immediately asked how soon a building inspector could come and inspect the “demolition” so that they could proceed with moving their “new” house to the property.

The clerk (not sure if it was the same one): “Oh, no need for an inspection. You said there isn’t any building, and we believe you. Actually, there hasn’t been a house there for years.”

City online records confirm that a permit was issued for demolition. It contains this note: “HOUSE DEMO’D IN 1980’S BY PREVIOUS OWNER W/OUT A PERMIT.”

Then, to add insult to injury, the records indicate that the city rejected our friends’ estimate that the “demolition” of the house that didn’t exist would cost $500, and instead set the value at $5,000, presumably causing the permit fee to go up as well.

Welcome to Honolulu!