Watching my father dying in slow motion is agony.
I can’t believe that there is any human benefit in prolonging his current state of existence. I use that word, “existence”, because “life” isn’t what he has at this point. He has progressed beyond some tipping point, and no longer has those little moments of pleasure. Food, drink, people, touch, photos, and memories no longer have any meaning for him. If he’s not under the influence of strong drugs, agony is what is left.
He has been getting a couple of drops of morphine to control pain in recent weeks, but was left totally doped up. So the dose was stepped down at the beginning of this week, which in hindsight may not have been the best choice.
When I saw him on Tuesday, he was restless, unable to find any comfortable position in the bed, groaning in endless pain. He did have a couple of moments of some clarity.
I think I arrived just after one of the hospice staff had been there with him.
He opened his eyes, acknowledged my arrival. Then he spoke, with considerable difficulty, his words scraping out of his dry throat into the room.
“Now I know I’m a patient,” he said, then closed his eyes.
In that moment, he no longer thought he was in a fine hotel, as he has through much of the past two years.
Then he added: “I’m in bad shape.”
After that, it he drifted in and out of consciousness.
He knows what’s happening. He endures, so far, but there’s nothing ennobling about the experience, no saving grace for him or for those of us who will survive him.
I’m find myself angry at those who have wielded their particular religious beliefs as political weapons to block “right to die” or “death with dignity” legislation.
I had a haircut earlier this week, and unloaded on unsuspecting Leila, my barber, when she asked how I was doing. She responded with common sense.
“It’s torture, isn’t it?”
Yes, it is.
She pointed out that prisoners sentenced to death have a legal right to die with a minimum of pain and suffering.
Pets, the same. We have always been willing to pay for good veterinary care, but we recognize the point where there is no quality of life remaining and our pets deserve to be put out of their misery.
If my all-time favorite cat were in my father’s present condition, we would be making that last long drive to the vet’s office to say a tearful goodbye.
So pets and criminals have a right to die peacefully. Our parents, friends, and our selves deserve the same option.
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I went through the very sad same experience with my mother, Ian. You nailed it exactly: This is another case where the religious beliefs of some are being forced on everyone else. Against her own wishes, written down, signed and witnessed when she was still quite sentient, Mom had to be kept alive for years after her mind was completely gone. There’s something very wrong about this.
I had a dear friend whose partner spent a year+ on life support. When the family made the decision to ‘pull the plugs’, in essence, they were forced to stay at his side, and watch as this man was basically starved to death for the days following that it took for him to actually pass. That is to say, I am familiar with what you are now also being forced to watch, while trying to provide comfort and love through it.
What made my heart hurt just now is reading that your dad knows what is happening, that it seems his pain is giving him some mental clarity.
None of this makes sense, Ian. There should be a more compassionate answer.
I am sorry that all of you are suffering.
Life was probably more humane, taking its natural course from birth to death, before so many medicines and machines were available to keep people alive for the benefit of family. I believe that the individual has a right to determine when & how they cease this present existance.
Thanks for your post.
Yes, Ian, this experience is torturous for all. You have my deepest condolences.
My Dad died in May after about 1 year in a nursing home. He had a massive stroke and passed on within a week.
I am so grateful that he had drawn up an Advanced Directive back in the 1970s indicating that he wanted no extraordinary measures, like feeding tubes, if he were ever incapacitated like your father.
When your ordeal is over, please write something for publication in maybe HAS so folks will be more aware of the need for Advanced Directives.
Ian,
You have my sympathy. And my gratitude. My father has been in a care facility for the last couple of years and I have benefited from reading your experiences with your father.
I was particularly struck by your mention recently how your father would have taken his boat off-shore, gone overboard to “scrub the barnacles off the hull” and let the boat drift away without him. Only now, he is too weak to take the boat out.
The moral taboo against suicide, and against “mercy killing” makes sense. But within reason. We don’t want greedy heirs dispatching their parents in order to cash in our their inheritance. But nor is the current system of forcing our parents to suffer needlessly the right approach.
I believe the Death with Dignity approach has struck the proper balance. We need to get it passed. But in the meantime, our family members are suffering needlessly as immoral people hide behind false pieties. Let them by guided by their consciences. But let us by guided by OUR consciences. Like abortion, this should be a private decision, made by the ailing person, their families and their physicians. Not by the State.
Ian, I’ll share a helpless heavy sigh with you.
Ian,
Empathy and condolences. That’s all I can offer, but we’re all here listening and sending aloha to you AND your father.
So far this gubernatorial election has been about the right to lie to prevent the right to die.
Aloha Ian,
My heart goes out to you at this very difficult time. My Mom died nearly two years ago under very similar circumstances of “failing to thrive” while being cared for by hospice in an assisted living facility.
In 2005 I wrote an essay on this topic. Perhaps it will help you and your readers consider a whole host of related issues and how they are all interconnected.
“Life and Death — Moral Shades of Gray”
http://tinyurl.com/6dwry
SUMMARY: The controversy over Terri Schiavo provides an opportunity to focus attention on fundamental moral issues. Should an individual have a right to choose death for himself or for a close relative unable to make the choice? Should society be able to prevent such a choice, or to keep someone alive who prefers to die? Should society be able to require the killing of criminals or even of merely unproductive or inconvenient people? Should society, or individual people, have any right to make decisions about life and death; or should such decisions be left in the hands of God? There is a spectrum of stages of human life, from before conception to after death; and the larger moral issues reverberate in different ways at different stages. It is also relevant to consider animal rights, because it might be that all sentient beings have fundamental rights; and the rights of human beings should be considered within that broader context. All such questions need to be taken seriously. They are all interconnected. They all should be decided by each person and by society, on the basis of logical deduction from fundamental principles and after thoughtful meditation and prayer. This essay seeks to clarify the questions and their interconnections, without presuming to provide answers.
a vivid reminder to check my advanced medical directive .
It is never easy. My father went into the hospital for a bypass. That was healing but then as he was advanced in years, the body couldn’t take that shock and started to shut down. I remember how utterly helpless I felt standing there holding his hand as he was all plugged into all kinds of tubes wires, etc. not being able to respond or communicate except thru his eyes looking right at me. Not with his eyes. But through his eyes. And a very slight almost undetectable squeeze in his hand. Such was the lack of connection to or responsiveness of the body… He was leaving us at that moment. hard to take. and Ian, hard to communicate, but you do it well and appreciate your sharing.
Unfortunately, like so many, Ian, I’ve been where you are. It is horrible–just thinking about it brings the tears. My grandmother went into the hospital on Thanksgiving Day, and just five days later, she kept repeating, “Why can’t I go? Please let me go.” She was not released from her suffering until Christmas Day, after we insisted that the dosage of her pain meds be increased to allow her some rest. I wonder sometimes if the doctor took pity on her. If so, bless him.
Humanity and compassion demand the passage of “right to die”/”death with dignity” legislation.
Big Braddah said it so well, about how difficult this is, yet how well you express yourself, Ian. The right to die should be our own, I agree.
The poignancy of this experience is shared with you, Ian, and my thoughts are with you.
I’m so, so sorry.